


Like two boats in the night

by prinz_charlie



Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, F/F, One-Shot, Post-Canon, Rallya, Scylla tries to make things right with Raelle, She tries, Swearing, This is pure angst, aka raelle being impaled yk, and pain, mentions of the season 1 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25393189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: A branch fell from a tree in the distance and broke the silence between them. Maybe Scylla would’ve turned around to locate where the noise had come from, but not now. Not when she had one last chance to make things right.“I want to apologize”
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	Like two boats in the night

Heavy bags under her eyes and her heart hammering out of her chest Scylla took her jacket and pulled it over the black tank top she was wearing. She took a breath of false confidence, convincing herself that this was the right thing to do and with shaking fingers felt the little case that held her desired drug in her trouser's pocket. She crept past closed doors and as silently as possible opened the front door. She stepped out into the cold night air.

This was the moment.

Her last moment to change things.

She made sure her combat boots were tied, zipped her jacket, put on the hood, and slid the cap off the case of Salva. She let the little stars sink into the skin behind her ear and as she remembered the first time, she had done this with _her_ she took off. The Spree had made her disgustingly well at maneuvering the drug and using it in all the right ways. It had also taught her so many songs, Scylla had never felt worse about using one of them than now. But she had to because if someone would see her right now it would be her end. 

The campus and training grounds of Fort Salem were too easy for her to navigate through. She still knew where her room was, and it tugged at her heart. But she didn’t stop. Instead, she flew in through the window, landed on the floor as silently as possible, and let her gaze wander through the room. There she was.

Raelle.

She murmured a short rhyme and a strange calmness fell over everyone in the room. Tally and – what was her name – High Atlantic, were fast asleep now. Nothing would wake them.

Scylla walked up to Raelle.

\---

This was wrong. Everything about this was wrong. Time, place, and the girl standing in front of her. Everything she had done was wrong. And yet she was standing in front of her now, like a stupid child. She could’ve just as well thrown herself in front of a car. The effects would be the same.

“I’m sorry it had to happen like this”, Scylla started. “I just… had to talk to you somewhere far away, where no one could listen to us.”

The blonde stared at her with a look of disbelief. “You’re… why?” Her voice was almost sharp enough to slice Scylla’s chest open right then and there. It felt like that, anyway. Scylla took a step towards her but Raelle immediately backed off. Her hands were balled into fists, her eyes still wide open in shock.

“I know that this is fucked up and crazy and weird and…”

“Dangerous”, Raelle interrupted her, her voice still cold. “I could get into so much trouble because of this, Scylla. What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t…”, Scylla began to explain, ignoring how foreign and wrong her name on Raelle’s lips suddenly sounded, but again Raelle interrupted her.

Her words were barely above a whisper. “Yeah.” She stared down, her hands relaxing. “You never do. Never did in the first place.” Bitterly she shook her head. “Why did you bring me here?”, she asked with new composure.

A branch fell from a tree in the distance and broke the silence between them. Maybe Scylla would’ve turned around to locate where the noise had come from, but not now. Not when she had one last chance to make things right.

“I want to apologize”, she breathed out. “So, please don’t interrupt me or anything and just listen to me because you know how hard it is for me to… you know. Please just listen to me.” When Raelle didn’t say anything, Scylla took her chance and quickly continued. “First of all, I want to apologize for getting you out of your room and overrunning you like this. I couldn’t think of another way to get to see you.” Scylla took a breath. “And I also want to apologize for making you come here. I just had to see you and I couldn’t care about anything until I saw you and I couldn't think of another place where we could actually talk.” As Scylla braced herself for her next apology with another breath, Raelle took a step back.

And then she let out a laugh. Scylla looked up and searched for eye contact but Raelle only looked up at the moon. Little did Scylla know that she was fighting back tears. And yet, she chuckled. “Are you serious?”, Raelle asked silently. “You get me out of my room in the middle of the night, no explanation given, bring me into some forest, and all that only to apologize for it?” She looked back down and eyed Scylla in disbelief. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Scylla felt like she was hit by a truck and stumbled back.

Had Raelle just...?

Only Raelle knew about this… people always asking her what was wrong with her after her parents had died. Raelle knew that it was one of the few things that could crack Scylla open… Raelle knew just how much that phrase hurt Scylla! She knew! And she had just… Scylla caught her breath and bit her lip, hoping that Raelle couldn’t see the way she had twisted her face for just a second there.

Raelle had deliberately hurt her.

The knowledge lingered between them.

Of course, she had hurt her. It's what she deserved. 

“I didn’t only get you here because of that”, Scylla stated, her voice a little more uncertain than before. “I also wanted to talk to you about… you know.” Scylla hated herself for not even being able to say the words.

And Raelle chuckled bitterly again and simply stared at Scylla. “Who do you even think you are?”, she asked, her voice shaking with anger and frustration. “Did you even think about what I have to say to this?”

Scylla had. She had just hoped that Raelle would never say it out loud.

“You lied to me. From the moment you met me you lied to me. You just ignored my feelings and continued playing your game. You disappeared and…”

“Raelle, please, listen to me”, Scylla interrupted her. She didn’t know what she was going to say next she just needed Raelle to stop talking because if she uttered even another word memories would descend upon her and she just knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. “I’m sorry for making you upset and…”

The blonde looked up with surprise and wonder in her face. And so much underlying pain that Scylla knew no one but her noticed. “I’m not upset”, Raelle whispered, moving back a little. Scylla grew frustrated, tears built up in her eyes and her chest tightened. “Do you really think I’m upset?” Her voice broke at the word. She shook her head speechlessly. “Do you even _know_ me?”

For a second there was nothing to be heard but the noises of the night. Birds communicating with each other, nocturnal animals ambushing their prey, the light breeze whooshing through treetops. Scylla wanted to scream at her. “Yes!”, she wanted to shout. “Yes, of course, I know you! Why do you think I’m doing this?” But she didn’t even open her mouth, fighting back another fit of tears.

Raelle stared at Scylla aghast and then shook her head, turning around.

She was already a couple of feet away when Scylla found her voice again.

“Raelle”, Scylla choked out. Raelle stopped dead in the tracks. “Listen to me, please, just one more time.” She unconsciously took a step forward and reached out her hand. Raelle stood still and turned around. Her gaze flashed down to Scylla’s hand and flicked back to her. “Just one more time”, Scylla repeated.

Raelle gave an all too painful slight nod.

Scylla’s breath rattled as she started again. “I’m sorry. I fucked up big time, I… What I did was wrong, and I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt I caused you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, and I can’t forgive myself for the fact that I made you feel like that. I know what being hurt over and over feels like and still, I did it to you.” She bit back a sob. “Still, I chose you.”

Raelle’s mouth twitched and drew a pained expression on her face.

“I chose you and… I’m so sorry." Scylla shook her head at herself. "I should never even have looked at you and brought you into this mess. I should’ve never chosen you.” She bit her lip as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry”, she whispered. “And if you want to go… I get that. Go and don’t look at me again, because I can’t even look at myself right now. I just needed you to listen. If you go, just, please… try to forget me…” Scylla could barely see Raelle behind the tears that had now built up in her eyes.

She could barely see her opening and closing her mouth, struggling for words. But she felt Raelle’s shifting gaze and the lost eye-contact. She felt Raelle’s still hands that she tried so hard to keep from shaking. And she heard her words.

“I loved you”, Raelle said. Her voice was numb and drew every splinter of hope that had been left in Scylla’s body out and destroyed it. “I used to talk to myself about how much I love you. I used to think of you every night before I fell asleep because you made me feel good and comforted and understood. You made me happy. After the…” Raelle paused, seemingly looking for the right words. The tears burned more violently in Scylla’s eyes. “After the attack, I searched for you everywhere because just the thought of something happening to you killed me and I couldn’t imagine going on without you."

Emotionless.

"You will never know just how painful it was to lie there, next to the lighthouse, and not feel you near. And then getting to know just what you did.”

Scylla flinched. She didn’t bother with pushing tears back anymore and let the next one roll down her cheek.

Dead.

"I was impaled by a blade", Raelle recalled emotionless. "And still I thought of you, in that moment."

Scylla's breath caught and as new tears sprung to her eyes, the first one landed on the ground.

A minute of silence hung between them before Raelle continued, her throat sore, her voice breathy. “I used to think that I still love you”, she choked out. “But looking at you now… I don’t know if I love you or just the memory of you. I don’t know if I want us to happen again or if I just want our past to happen.” She took a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I’m holding on to you or to us.”

Scylla let out a sob. “What does that mean?”

Raelle’s gaze remained on the ground. “It means that as long as I don’t know, I can’t do this.” She stumbled back again. “I can't do this.”

The air around them exploded with pain and the cracking of a dead branch plummeting into its death resembled Scylla’s heart. It shattered. “I still love you!”, Scylla called out in a brief moment of insanity. “I hurt you so much and I want to make it up to you and I want to take every wound I caused you and close it and kiss you goodnight and wake up with you in my head and heart and next to me! I still want you, Raelle!”, she choked out.

The single tear that escaped Raelle shimmered in the moonlight and Scylla wanted nothing more than to surge forward and wipe it away and cup Raelle’s cheek and apologize and gather her in a hug and feel her heartbeat that would never stop again. She wanted to take off her jacket and drape it over Raelle’s shoulders and rub her arms until she was warm again and just make sure she was ok. She just didn’t want her to hurt.

But Scylla was tied to the ground.

The distance between her and the girl she had once called the love of her life was growing as they kept drifting apart.

Raelle’s expression was so pained and so numb at the same time, it felt like all forces in the world crushing her. “Bye, Scyl.” And Raelle turned around and walked away. She didn’t look back once.

Scylla stared after her.

Frozen.

The forest swallowed Raelle as it simultaneously closed in on Scylla. She stared after her. She didn’t come back.

What Scylla had always known would happen, had occurred. She had brought this to herself. She had gotten what she’d asked for. Life had given her the cold shoulder and she had taken a lighter and burned it. And in the process, she had also burned herself. Her knees buckled and Scylla fell to the ground.

And she stayed there.

Her knees sunk into the squashy ground. She pushed her hands into the mud to keep her torso from falling over and stared. Simply stared at the dirt in front of her eyes and let tears take her sight from her. There was nothing else left for her to do now.

She had told Raelle what was best for her. She had also told her the truth. Nothing had worked. The only thing left to do for her now was to turn around and go. But by the time Scylla actually got up hours had passed, and the clouds were covering the moon. Her knees were weak and shaking all the way back, her mind was blank. Her joints ached from kneeling and dried mud dirtied her uniform and hands. Dried tears stained her cheeks, her eyes were only half-open, dried out.

That night Scylla rented a hotel room instead of going back to the place she called home.

That night Scylla dreamed of a red lighthouse and a lifeless body in the water.

That night guilt ate Scylla up and left her as a shell of the person she had once been.

**Author's Note:**

> ngl this was so much fun to write, i live for the angst and i hope, so do you because well, yk, it just hurts so good! tysm for reading, i really appreciate it, and i'll read you next time!
> 
> hmu on tumblr! @ haveuseenmylife


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